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Ha-ha, my life is SUCH an action movie, you guys. It’s just like anytime I go to do anything, heroic ol’ me does something incredible to save the day. Take last wee—HEY, WATCH OUT! Dude, you almost got hit by that bullet. Did you seriously not see the red dot on your forehead? Huh. Weird. Anyway, take last week for example, when I—WHAT? In here? There’s A BOMB in this room right now? Pass it over to me, all you have to do is take your machete like this and wait… Is it the red or yellow wire I’m supposed to cut? I’d call my mentor to ask, but he was dropped into a volcano at a time when I was really very impressionable. Oh, yellow, right. I always know it’s either one or the other. See? Pfaw, you can’t write this stuff, I’m telling you.
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